What if it didn’t need to be this hard?

I love Thanksgiving. And as Stacey and I find ourselves in a super fantastic Airbnb for the holiday, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. It has been a big year. It was in October of 2023 when Stacey and I decided to sell the house, hit the road and find our new home and a life that was a match with our purpose. It has been liberating. Oh sure, it has also been terrifying, confronting, uncomfortable. But mostly… liberating.

And with the perspective of letting go, and the wealth of gratitude that came as a result, I see the suffering I have accepted as “normal” is really just another choice we make. And I’m not alone in this realization. This Thanksgiving season has me reflecting on some sobering realities in our workplaces. When 65% of senior leaders report burnout according to talent solutions provider LHH, and more than three-quarters of workers feel disconnected from their work, we all see ourselves in those numbers and it’s a sobering realization to see such a profound lack of joy and gratitude in our organizational cultures.

There’s a Buddhist koan that transformed how I think about suffering: “life is suffering, and suffering is a result of holding on to things that do not last.” When I discovered this koan, it helped me see that my suffering wasn’t inevitable – it was a signal that I was clutching something that no longer served me. When we experience suffering, perhaps the most powerful question we can ask ourselves is “what am I holding onto that’s no longer serving me?”

In my late 20’s I was so connected to my identity of the owner of my business that I couldn’t imagine what or who I would be without it. I remember thinking that if I ever “lost” my company I would need to join the Air Force or something, because I just couldn’t fathom any other reality. Frankly, it was terrifying. In time, I moved my identity to being an entrepreneur in the recruiting industry, which was much better. I no longer had my identity connected to that company, but it was still associated with the industry, and I had to let go again when the market shifted and the things that I loved about it were no longer present.

So, for whatever reason, I have a lot of experience letting go. Particularly with identities. As a result, I deeply understand how leaders can get trapped by their identities. Our entire concept of leadership has been shaped by command-and-control – being the one with the vision, telling others what to do. It’s all we’ve known for generations. But this structure is breaking down, losing its efficacy, and creating suffering for everyone involved. Yet leaders cling to it, unable to imagine a different way of leading, never experiencing the joy that comes from letting go and embracing adaptive leadership.

The studies that pointed to the cause of the great resignation and quiet quitting movement show us why this matters: people wanted meaning and agency. They wanted to know that their work meant something to them and was making a difference, and they wanted some say in how they applied their labor to those efforts. Yet leaders, trapped in their command-and-control mindset, often see this desire for agency as a threat rather than an opportunity. Their fear of letting go blinds them to the possibility of creating something better.

And here’s the thing – when we reject giving employees agency, we deny ourselves the profound joy of true adaptive leadership: seeing others thrive on their own. I discovered this firsthand at my last company, Spartoi Group. We had a system for ensuring that the candidates selected by our recruiting team in India met our companies’ rigorous screening standards. This created a lot of tension between the recruiters and the quality control person. After a string of quality control people resigning, I threw up my hands in frustration, but my business partner Val and my team lead in India Divya got together and worked out a solution where the recruiters in India would conduct the interviews themselves.

The transformation was immediate. Not only did their productivity increase dramatically, but we eliminated all the tension that had existed. Personally, I felt an enormous weight lift – all that stress from managing conflicts between our recruiters and quality control just disappeared. But more importantly, I got to experience the pure joy of seeing my team members grow into their expanded roles. This wasn’t just about better business metrics – it was about watching people discover their own capabilities when given real agency.

This pivot away from control and toward joy isn’t just about feeling good – it drives real results. According to Gallup, companies that successfully engage their employees see 21% higher profitability and 17% greater productivity. Their customers report 10% better satisfaction too. But those numbers only tell part of the story. The real reward is in creating an environment where both leaders and employees can thrive without the weight of unnecessary control.

This Thanksgiving season has taught me something profound about leadership: gratitude isn’t just an attitude – it’s a practice that helps us let go of control.

When we focus on appreciating what’s working, we naturally release our grip on what isn’t serving us. We create space for others to grow, for new possibilities to emerge.

So here’s my invitation to y’all: This week, as you reflect on what you’re grateful for, pay special attention to those moments when your team surprised you by succeeding without your direct control. Notice the joy that emerged when you stepped back and let others lead. These aren’t just nice memories – they’re signposts pointing toward a more effective, more joyful way of leading.

What might become possible if you let gratitude guide you toward what’s actually working, rather than what you’re trying to control?